


tf2 one shots

by goose_caller



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Cats, Constructive Criticism Welcome, Dad Spy (Team Fortress 2), FIGHT ME!!!, Feel-good, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Inspired by Music, Light Angst, M/M, Mexican Character, Mexico, Multi, Nonbinary Character, One Shot, One Shot Collection, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Random Song Challenge, Shapeshifting, Short One Shot, Song Lyrics, Tags May Change, Warnings May Change, Work In Progress, dont actually fight me tho X(, oriental longhairs/shorthairs are the BEST cat breed, pyro's gender isnt specified!!, they go by they/them in the fic, unpopular music
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 01:09:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29942223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goose_caller/pseuds/goose_caller
Summary: my spoof on the random song prompt thingy with tf2 one shots. kinda in da title!!i add trigger warnings for each individual chapter :))some shorts are longer than others! feel free to request characters and/or pairings<3
Relationships: Demoman/Soldier (Team Fortress 2), Engineer/Pyro (Team Fortress 2), Merasmus & Soldier (Team Fortress 2), Merasmus/Soldier (Team Fortress 2), RED Spy/Scout's Mother (mentioned)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	1. "oriental longhair" (soldier & merasmus)

**Author's Note:**

> waz doin a thing where i waz like hm lets uhhhhh do a things inspired by a random song on my “liked songs” on spotify
> 
> first song ‘ere is “oriental longhair” by CAATT! its one minute long n has no lyrics n i tried to make this fic ‘ere be about the same length as the song n have the same vibe… all the while makin’ it about tf2 mercs…!
> 
> ok uhh i jus finished writin n it might be a bit more than 1 minute so like uhhhhh jus listen to the other songs by CAATT! (on spotify or whateva) .. the song “oriental shorthair” is pretty similar btw so hhhh h yea

Soldier found a small mammal in the castle he lived in with Merasmus. His bedroom was dark (as he preferred), so at first glance, its long, square-tipped nose and soft floppy ears led him to believe the furry thing was a fox or some type of small dog.

 _Maybe an albino raccoon?_ he questioned, holding the squirming white creature in his hands on his walk towards Merasmus’ room. — _Do those even exist?_

His roommate’s door was open, so he decided to walk in, half expecting the wizard’s undead corpse lying there. However, as the bright light peering through the open blinds illuminated the room, he could see neither a corpse or a weird old wizard. The sun shining in _did_ help him get a good look at the small furry organism though. It took a few moments to come to the conclusion that it was a cat because of all the wriggling and clawing, but Soldier came to the conclusion nonetheless. It had a thin but relatively long snout for its species and big emerald eyes. Its pupils dilated and became all small and after another very loud hiss, Soldier decided it best to put the poor thing down, but not before gently closing the door.

As expected, the slim feline darted to the other side of the room. What he wasn’t expecting, however, was for it to get on the typewriter and start typing words with precision.

“Oh, so you’re a smart cat!” Jane exclaimed with amusement as he walked over to said mechanism. He nodded along as the fluffy-tailed creature padded its paws carefully along the keys creating a string of words.

Now the mercenary was a bit embarrassed by the fact that the cat seemed to be a bit more confident with its english abilities than himself, but when the cat moved out of the way, he laughed at the poor grammar. The cat can’t spell anything! Even _he_ knew how to spell Merasmus!

Wait.

Jane slowly did his best to read the ink again.

[ **im merasmuis im stuick in a catsa body .hhelp** ]

He felt like the cat was trying to tell him something. He did his best to type a response on the next line in attempts of communicating with the cat.

{ **i doo not no wut yoo ar try ing 2 say** }

The cat crawled back over to the typewriter to read the message, tail quivering and ears pushed back on its head ( _that must mean he’s happy?_ )

The silly little furball started typing again, seemingly with more care this time. When the cat—which he so fittingly decided to call “Colonel Whiskers”—jumped out of view, Soldier squinted his eyes in order to read its new message.

[ **jane, open the book next to me.x read page xxxiv** ]

He looked next to the cat and saw a thick, dusty book with a peeling brown cover. _It matched half the books Merasmus has!_ , Jane thought with amusement.

As instructed, the soldier took hold of said book and flipped the pages, thankful that the cat had listed the “Raman-numarolls” rather than the actual page number. He found out that like the page number, the words on it weren’t in English either ( _they were probably in Raman_ ).

Big black letters on a faded yellow sticky note were the only thing in English. He read them out loud slowly, tripping over a few words on the way. He realized the note was saying something about shapeshifting, which was really cool and all, but just not really interesting to the soldier. But what did interest him was the arrow pointing to some Raman text under the note. He decided to give that a read as well.

Once he’d finished reading the ancient words, he turned to the cat which he noticed was oddly silent. The only being in the room with him, however, was the wizard.

“Oh, hi Merasmus! Have you seen a white fluffy cat around anywhere? It’s kind of ugly and it has a big nose.”

The old man just sighed with a tired expression plastered on his face, and pointed to the door. Jane took that as his queue to leave. _Maybe Colonel Whiskers returned to his room?_


	2. "sober intentions" (demoman/soldier)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kinda angsty so tw for alcohol abuse n shite but aaa this is about demoman/soldier kinda implied but like yknow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhh for this one i mixed 2 songs kinda like uhhhhh TOGETHER so idk if thats allowed but oh wait this is MY writing prompt challenge shite so i make tha rules >:)
> 
> song i picked on random was “sober intentions” by apes of the state. song i used the lyrics of (mostly) was “distance” by ajj— both are just such good songz ubbbbbbbbhghg hbnfeghjd

_I don’t even have much of a problem_ , I used to think. But when Janey left that day I thought I was burning up and really, it wasn’t the liquor in my blood that time. Face was redder than I’ve ever felt it to be and I didn’t have much of a clue of where to go so I took the man's advice and walked down Brewery Rd. Was thinking maybe something about that street name had something to do with me. But who knows, my brain was too fuzzy to think about it.

Stumbling ( _it felt like floating_ ) under street lamps trying my best not to keep scavenging through my brain thinkin’ about every little thing that’s gone wrong between us. Tried to stop picturing his face.

 _I got sober intentions_ , I repeat in my head like a mantra.

And I know tomorrow he’ll come stumbling back to me because he needs me. And all he’ll tell me with a smile on his face is that I need him. Honestly every time he says it, I know its true, but it’s never hurt any less.

_The first month after you left,_

_I drank and jerked off till I slept._

Songs keep repeating in my head, musical poems of edgy shite and bitterness. Can’t even hear my own thoughts!

_I went to work when I had to_

_And then came home._

The record plays over and over. _I got sober intentions_ , I really do. I just can’t seem to show ‘em in my actions.


	3. "verbatim" (spy)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw spy is h*tero (ewww!!!!!!!!)
> 
> jk i DONT hate straight people but ye if straight spy aint yo thing then you can skip this but its not like nsfw or whatever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> was thinkin bout makin this one about solly but like bro ive already made everything about solly n i was gonna do medic but then like hahahahahhahahah sure im sureeeee medic is straight lol so uhhhh heres somethin about spy being STRAIGHT n metrosexual or whateva ppl call it
> 
> (ummm not me saying “im sure medic is straight” when the whole song is about going against stereotypes but like .,,, umm yknow whatever XP)

_ People tend to think the RED spy was a homosexual. Of course, he had no problems with that—people will believe whatever they want to believe—but it got fairly irritating sometimes. Just because he was a French gentleman didn’t mean he was a fruit. There’s nothing wrong with having homosexual inclinations in Spy’s mind, but he just didn’t feel like that described him. _

_ He was a lady’s man. Spy knew the key to wooing intelligent women. He knew that sophisticated women wanted a sophisticated man like himself. _

_ And yes, while occasionally wearing lacy lingerie didn’t have much to do with seducing women, Spy didn’t see why it mattered at all. He would wear whatever he pleased. He felt comfortable doing it, so why did it bother others? _

_ The spy was not a homosexual, no, he was just a man very confident in their masculinity. People like Scout would never understand what that’s like, which is sad, but also quite amusing to him. _

_ He was brought up with proper etiquette, and perhaps that was entirely his fault that Jeremy wasn’t, but he had left the scout for his own safety. Reasons that lie deeper than fear and laziness. He did want to raise him. _

_ But this wasn’t about his blood-related son. This was about Spy’s “femininity”. _

_ He didn’t correct others when they called him a queer and other unsavory terms, because he didn’t see the point in doing so. While Spy’s whole career is based on pretending to be something he’s not, his personal life was different. He wasn’t pretending or playing the role of a gay man. It was just other people who interpreted him that way. _

The Spy crossed his legs, cigarette in hand.

_ It was none of their business anyway. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ps i am writing this as someone from the perspective of a teen whose dad isnt in their life much. my dad has super supr suprrrr toxic masculinity n uhhhhh hhh i know u didnt come ere to read about me but like ye i jus wanted to say i wish my dad was more like spy in the way that he left but like ,, hes a better person ,... ummm idk if that like made any sense lmaoo but whatever XP


	4. “i bought you a _______ in mexico” (engineer/pyro)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> read end notes for the song title but its kinda spoilers!!! song is by walter etc. , btw!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> erm i just read the lyrics halfway through again its kinda a super sad song so lets just pretend the second half of the song wasnt there ok aaaaa
> 
> so ye this is a HAPPY FLUFFY fic !!!!

Everyone knew Dell Conagher grew up in Texas. When winter rolled around and he got to go back home, he was the closest to his state. The base was in New Mexico, so he and his truck would drive a good seven and a half hours to get back to the house he grew up in. The spring of that year, he started dating the team’s pyromaniac. This would mean it’s their first holiday away from each other since then.

From the few years of knowing each other, Dell had learned that Pyro grew up in Mexico. It was kinda like fate how these three places were all together: Mexico, New Mexico, and Texas, where they grew up and later found each other.

Despite Pyro speaking so highly of the country, they didn’t live in Mexico anymore. “Family complications” would be a simple way to state the reason why that was.

♥♥♥

After a few weeks at the base of planning for his winter break, the engineer decided to surprise his lover with a gift.

Now he’d been to Mexico a couple times, but when he had, it was just barely past the border. Pyro had told him the name of the town they grew up in, so Dell decided to go near there to get his gift.

The truck bumped and rumbled as he crossed the border, a hefty sign reading “WELCOME TO MEXICO” in bold black letters. Dell pulled over to ask a woman in a vest— he presumed to be a guard— about the nearest hotel. She handed him a map and told him there would be a town in fourteen miles. _Great_ , he sighed, _a lot more drivin’ to do_.

After a few more hours on the road, he stopped at a dingy little motel bearing the name _El Cuervito_ with a simple caricature of a black bird painted on the sign. The engineer searched for his wallet and hopped out of the truck, making his steady way to the entrance. When he walked in, he was greeted by the strong smell of cigarette smoke and rusty metal. The man behind the counter had tanned skin and a similar build to him, stout and short. His stubbled jaw moved as he spoke in English with a thick Spanish accent, cutting straight to the point. If Dell had to describe his voice, he’d say it was kind of nasally.

“Hello. Room for one?”

“Yeah,” Dell replied, a smile on his face despite the exhausting trip here. The two men exchanged words and information along with money and a key to his room before Engie evacuated to the stairwell. The man had given him the first room on the second floor.

Entering the room, he was greeted by a boring grey and brown room. It wasn’t bad, just not the nicest. But who expects an amazing room from a motel in the middle of nowhere, anyway?

The clock read in military time, but Lordy, Dell was too tired to do the simple math.

“19:54…” he read out under his breath. _That would mean it’s about eight PM_ , he thought. That made sense to him as the sky had darkened a bit around the time he reached the border. He took his shoes off and stripped himself of his overalls before laying down. He didn’t bother to change or wash up before falling into a heavy sleep.

♥♥♥

The next day, Dell sat on the edge of the bed, tugging on his boots. He wanted to get out of the cramped motel as soon as possible, so he decided on skipping breakfast in order to get a start on the road. That _did_ mean he had to choose between coffee and checking out, but he decided to make that sacrifice keeping in mind that there would probably be a café in town.

Engie offered the man from the night before a small drowsy smile and handed the key back to him. He stepped outside experiencing that infamous hot Mexican weather. Texas wasn’t much different, but he’d say the air held a bit more moisture. It was impossible to admit it wasn’t a pretty landscape, though. Dell admired the tumbleweeds and orange-blue sunrise as he drove down the dusty road.

After about thirty minutes, some houses came into view. The engineer kept driving along the map and reached a bustling little marketplace. He spotted a café called _La Cuchara Vieja_ and decided to go there first. Dell spoke a fair bit of Spanish— enough to get by— but he was far from fluent. His exchange with the young cashier was a bit difficult and he’d be lying if he tried to deny that his face wasn’t flushed a rosy shade of pink by the end of it, but he’d successfully ordered some coffee and bread. It future Dell’s problem to worry about what _type_ of coffee and bread he would be receiving.

After his breakfast, Engie made his way to _el mercado_ to search for some things he thought Pyro would like. His eyes scanned a jewelry vender as various shades of blues, oranges, and greens caught his eye. Pyro loves to make bracelets and necklaces or Dell, so maybe that would be a good thing to get him?

It did feel kind of weird thinking about it, though. When his beloved firebug gifted him jewelry, it was handmade with care and gentleness. The colors and shapes of the beads were picked out just for Dell. Also, the notion of gifting real jewelry to your significant other just reminded the engineer of marriage, and he didn’t want to give Pyro the wrong impression. Yes, they were in love but marriage was a scary thought to both of them— at least in the moment.

He moved on to the fruits and vegetables area and past that. While the food _did_ look delicious, he doubted it would be able to survive the harsh sun and hot air of his truck. Something seemingly promising _did_ catch his eye a few aisles away, however.

Some blankets lay folded on display, each flaunting a different design. On closer inspection, they appeared to be hand-knitted, as there were loose frays and easy-to-miss mistakes on each of them. Engie thought of Pyro and immediately knew they would love it.

Dell had a hard time choosing between two blankets; a coral and orange one versus a blue, green, and pink one. He pictured Pyro and decided on the ladder of the pair, as he knew they liked the combination of faded green and pink a lot. The pastel blue stripes were a nice accent to it all to top it all off. The more colors the merrier, right?

Thankfully all he had to do was point at the blanket when the person selling it came back to her stand. She was a tallish young woman with choppy, short black hair and long dangling earrings. He gave her money for the blanket. He wanted to ask her if she was the one who made it, but he knew that the language barrier would make that difficult. They smiled at each other and she gave a friendly chuckle before he parted ways.

Dell stayed another night at the motel before his departure back to Texas. He traveled around the small town a couple times that day, taking in the different sights and smells. People tended to hear his thick country accent and assume he was a simple country man. Maybe they were right, but he still liked to think otherwise.

Engie knew he wasn’t just a stereotype.

In the short time at the hotel the engineer spent, he learned the owner’s name was Jairo. He told him his friends called him Jairito, to much of Dell’s amusement. Engie was happy with the feeling that he left Mexico with a couple more friends, even if he didn’t exchange more than a few words with them.

Eventually he arrived back in Texas and from there, he was greeted by many familiar faces from family and old friends. Dell spent a Christmas warm both mentally and physically as he learned his parents had _finally_ installed a heater in their cozy little house.

He came back to the base and hugged Pyro. Engineer had promised them he’d come back in time to spend New Year’s together. Cheers to a good one.

“I got you something, Py,” Dell started as they drank juice and beer.

“Mph?”

“Yeah, darling.” He smiled and handed his lover the carefully wrapped gift. He wished he could see their expression, but they were in the room with Demo and Solly and he knew the pyromaniac didn’t feel comfortable taking his mask off around the other teammates.

“Huhd murph mudda!” the firebug exclaimed, tearing the paper away from the blanket.

“Got it in Mexico. Ya like it, darlin’?” Dell couldn’t help but smile while saying. He was answered by a big hug from Pyro and some quiet mumbles of joy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: "i bought you a blanket in mexico" by walter etc.
> 
> epic song go check it out :)) the album cover for tha single IS ACTUALLY (what i presume to be) said blanket !!! the song came out in 2020 btw so did the rest of the album so check it out while iz fresh XP
> 
> oh ye i forgot to mention "el cuervito" means "little raven" (if my mediocre spanish speaking abilities have a say in the matter)

**Author's Note:**

> i will b updatin this collection the next few days/weeks/idk how long lol
> 
> comments make ma day i love u if u comment <3<3 (criticism n tips welcome!)


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